PRACTICING SELF-CARE

PRACTICING SELF- CARE PROLOGUE

Perhaps, never before has it been more urgent to practice self-care. It appears as if humankind is hurtling out of control like a runaway train. I worry about my American friends, and to be perfectly frank the rest of the world is afraid as well. The inmates have taken over the asylum and crackpots and fools are in charge of not only America, but essentially the rest of the world. Personally, I have had to stop watching the news. I simply cannot take it anymore.

However, life has to go on somehow. The world has been through this many times before, as any historian worth his weight in salt will tell you. First and foremost I would like to share a note which I posted this morning on my Daily Newsletter From Colin’s Soul Food Kitchen!

‘Don’t take yourself too seriously. The world would go on without you. Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders, Those who insist that they have their shit together, are usually standing in it at a time.’ Stephen Levine

LIFE: LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS

YOUR ORIGINAL MIND When you are so busy that you feel perpetually chased, when worrying thoughts circle your head, when the future seems dark and uncertain, when you are hurt by something someone said, slow down, even if only for a moment. Bring all of your awareness into the present and take a deep breath. What do you hear? What does your body feel like? What does the sky look like?

Only when we slow down can we finally see clearly our relationships, our thoughts, our pain. As we slow down, we are no longer entangled in them. We can step out and see them for what they are. The faces of our family and friends, the scenery that we pass by every day but fail to notice, our friends’ stories that we fail to pay attention to- in the stillness of the pause, the entirety of our being is revealed. Wisdom is not something that we have to strive for to acquire. Rather, it arises naturally as we slow down and notice what is already there.

As we notice more and more in the present moment, we come to a deeper realisation that a silent observer is within us. In the primordial stillness, the silent observer witnesses everything inside and outside. Befriend the silent observer. Find out where it is, and what shape it has assumed. Do not try to imagine it as something you already know. Let all your thoughts and images merge back into silence and just sense the silent observer who is there for you! And who or what is this kind and silent observer? It is you.

LIFE: CULTIVATING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

‘Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well-ordered mind than a man’s ability to stop where he is and pass some time in his own company.’ Seneca

Religion presses the issue of a person striving for a better ‘relationship with God,’ but in my view people suffer from an unhealthy relationship with themselves. The problem is not a deficient relationship with a deity in the sky, but a dysfunctional relationship with the person in the mirror.

‘Every religion is true one way or another. It is true when understood metaphorically. But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors, interpreting them as fact, then you are in trouble. God is a metaphor for that which transcends all levels of intellectual thought. It’s as simple as that. Joseph Campbell

ONE:BECOMING MORE AWARE OF YOUR SELF-TALK OR MENTAL COMMENTARY ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE.

In life we judge every single experience that we have. There’s an inner dialogue judging everything as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘for’ or ‘against’. Life is meant to be experienced, not judged. It comes from a deeper place inside that has not been taught the skills of living in the present moment. You can’t truly experience, experience, just as you can’t find meaning by looking for meaning.

‘You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? You cannot create experience. You must undergo it. Nobody realizes that some people expend enormous amounts of energy merely to be normal.’ Albert Camus

Most people don’t realize that the mind constantly chatters. And yet, that chatter winds up being the force that drives us much of the day, in terms of what we do, what we react to, and how we feel. Mindfulness is about love and loving life. When you cultivate this love, it gives you clarity and compassion for life, and your actions happen in accordance with that.

TWO: QUESTIONING THE IDEAS, BELIEFS, MINDSETS, NARRATIVES, STORIES AND IDEOLOGIES THAT INFLUENCE YOU

The energy required to set aside our own views and our own ‘certainty’ and the focusing of total attention is so great that it can be accomplished only by love, by the will to extend oneself for mutual growth. When another person sees you and considers you as worthy of attention, we begin to appreciate each other more and more.

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the heartbeat of the world; to match your nature with Nature. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again.

By looking deeply we see the interdependence and impermanence of all phenomena and all beings! However, when we live in a world where illusion and delusion are part of the human condition: In a world that is increasingly filled with deceit, manipulation, and exploitation, it is easy to become cynical about truth.

We fail to acknowledge the truth of what’s happening in our own lives as it’s taking place. Often, we see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear and ignore the messages we find distasteful.

THREE: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY TO ADDRESS THE ROOT CAUSES OF YOUR INNER SUFFERING, UNHAPPINESS AND DISHARMONY.

In the final analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his life and ‘finding himself.’ If he persists in shifting responsibility to someone else, he fails to find the meaning of his own existence. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others.

Whenever we seek to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual, organization, or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity. It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure.

Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; in fact, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.

Your success and happiness lies in you. What I am looking for is not out there; it is in me. Resolve to be happy and your joy shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. We could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world.

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FOUR: OUTGROWING YOURSELF AND THE DEFINITIONS THAT HAVE DEFINED YOU

The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We are in charge of our own destiny and we have to be responsible for our own words, actions, and thoughts.

We need to examine our own lives and decide what it is that we wish to do with the time left remaining to us. However, even if we are not certain what the proper course of action is, there are times when we must simply take a leap of faith. We must act.

Some of us continue to search for a deeper truth. The path to ultimate reality takes hard work and practice. If we value truth and reality, we chip away at falsehoods, both large and subtle in our lives. This also applies to living a virtuous life; do not distinguish between small and large. We all know, in our hearts, what is right and what is wrong.

Being held in Mother Earth’s tender embrace helps us to slow down long enough to look at our own lives, and the lives of others. And what you end up with is unconditional love for all beings. I think the reason this is so is because beauty makes you ache to be worthy of it.

‘What we do today determines what our tomorrow will be like.’ The Buddha

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FIVE: DISCARDING THE MASK AND BEING A MORE REAL, AUTHENTIC AND HUMAN PERSON

Being seen is the same as someone who listens to you deeply. People never forget, as long as they live, even childhood memories of feeling completely seen and accepted. Nothing puts you more at peace; nothing in the world feels better. Even if there is only one such memory, we carry it in our hearts forever. We never forget it, it meant so much, honored so much.

It was more of a gift than we could consciously know. But intuitively we knew. The soul knew. Seeing and being seen completes a mysterious circuit of reciprocity of presence that Thich Nhat Hanh calls ‘interbeing’ or interconnectedness. That presence reassures us that we can be who we actually are and we can remove the mask.

Sadly, most of our memories are of never being seen; unaccepted, ridiculed, for being as we are. It is amazing though how few such memories exist, or never at all.

How strange that we should feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded. Community requires the ability to expose these wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be moved by the wounds of others… But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.

Beyond your body and labels there is a river of vulnerability and tenderness. Beyond stereotypes and assumptions, there is a valley of openness and authenticity. Beyond memory and ego, there is an ocean of awareness and compassion. Love yourself despite your imperfections.

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SIX : HONORING WHAT MOST MATTERS TO YOU ABOUT LIFE AND, YOUR INNER GUIDANCE, DEEP FEELINGS AND INTUITION. FOLLOWING YOUR HEART

We have what we seek; it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us. Love seeks one thing: the good of the one loved. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. When you have to make an important decision or embark on a new journey, always follow your heart. Even if it doesn’t work out you will learn valuable lessons

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the heartbeat of the world; to match your nature with Nature. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again.

The world we live in is a temple, and the miraculous light of the first stars is shining through it all the time. Like an innocent child we can rejoice in life itself; in the very fact that we are alive.. In place of original sin, celebrate your original goodness; we are the beauty we have been seeking all our lives.

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SEVEN: OFFERING YOURSELF ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, COMPASSION AND BASIC GOODNESS

‘You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anyone deserves your love and affection.’ The Buddha

The primary aim of Buddhist practice is to help us see beneath our protective layers and bring out our inherent basic goodness and our own buddha nature, and to see the inner nobility and beauty of all human beings.

Do you not feel compassion toward yourself as you struggle through life? You are so eager to help your friends, but you treat yourself so poorly. Stroke your heart once in a while and tell yourself, ‘I love you.’

A human being has so many skins inside, covering the depths of the heart. We know so many things, but we don’t know ourselves. Go into your own ground and learn to know yourself there. Truly it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then the light is nearest to all of us.

Then it was if I suddenly saw

The secret beauty of their hearts

The depths of their hearts where neither

Sin nor self knowledge can reach

The core of their reality: the people

That each one is in the eyes of the Divine.

We are the Universe looking at itself. Thomas Merton

‘O nobly born, O you of glorious origins, remember your true radiant nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home. The Tibetan Book of the Dead

Music in the soul is heard by the Universe. At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. I have just three things to teach- simplicity, patience, and compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires. He who is content is rich. Mastering yourself is true power

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EIGHT: CHOOSING NOT TO REMAIN ACTIVELY CONNECTED TO TOXIC PEOPLE: THOSE WHO JUDGE, SHAME, CONTROL OR BULLY YOU.

‘The key is to keep company only with people that uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.’ Epictetus

Remove conflict and anger from your relationships. Life is too short. Explore your essence. Learn how to trust your own intuition. Listen to your own heart. If something doesn’t feel right, then you need to examine why. Let go of judgements that hold you back.

‘Many people know so little about what is beyond their short range of experience. They look within themselves and find nothing. Therefore, they conclude that there is nothing outside of themselves either.’ Helen Keller

The person with a secular mentality feels themselves to be the center of the universe. Yet, they are likely to suffer from a sense of meaninglessness and insignificance because they know that they are but one human of among eight billion ‘others’-all feeling themselves to be the center of things- scratching out an existence on a medium sized planet circling a small star among countless stars in a galaxy lost among countless galaxies.

The person with a spiritual mentality, on the other hand, does not feel themselves to be the center of the universe. They consider the center to be elsewhere and ‘other’. Yet, they are unlikely to feel lost and insignificant precisely because they draw their significance and meaning from their relationships, their connection with that center of the ‘other’.

Are we the stars of our own movies, our own personal narratives and are we obsessed by these particular narratives, this ‘secular’ perspective? And does it cause us suffering? You betcha!

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NINE: PRACTICING SELF-CARE THAT PROMOTES AND REJUVENATES YOUR VITALITY, ENERGY AND WELL-BEING:!

‘Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination- calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting, over and over announcing your place in the family of things.’ Mary Oliver

‘Love is something you and I must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it, because without it we become faint and weak. Without love our self-esteem weakens. Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world. Instead we turn inwardly and begin to feed upon our own personalities and little by little we destroy ourselves.

‘You and I need the strength that comes from knowing that we are loved. With it we are creative. With it we march tirelessly. With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice ourselves for others.’ Chief Dan George Salish Nations B.C. Canada

Silence is like a cradle holding our endeavors and our will; a silent spaciousness sustains us in our work and at the same time connects us to larger worlds that, in the busyness of our daily struggles to achieve, we have not investigated. Silence is the soul’s break for freedom!

Find a place inside where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy. It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life.

TEN: INHABITING YOUR UNIQUENESS AND EXPRESSING IT FREELY AND AUTHENTICALLY

Accepting ourselves as we are, allows us to be open to other people. We no longer have to pretend that we are someone else. We are good enough. You are good enough. Self-love is necessary to live a full and heart-felt life. You are just beginning. Begin today and be ready for a daring life of adventure!

Why do you stay in prison

When the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking-

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

Widening rings of being. Rumi

We can’t selectively numb emotions. In avoiding painful emotions like fear and shame, we also numb empathy, courage, joy, authenticity, love, and belonging. We need to stop and be grateful for what we have.

I have come to learn that this is what mindfulness is all about. With mindfulness comes gratitude. With gratitude comes joy. We want a guarantee that we will not experience pain and loss. There is no such guarantee. But there is one guarantee: If we don’t allow ourselves to experience joy and love, we will not have what it takes when the excrement does hit the proverbial fan.

RADICAL LOVE AND COMPASSION IS THE ONLY WAY FORWARD

We have what we seek; it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us. Love seeks one thing: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that only through an inner spiritual transformation do we gain the strength to confront the evils of the world in a humble and loving spirit. Loving your enemies: Dr. King talked about his movement’s commitment to non-violence as both a spiritual and political strategy. The following quote is the most beautiful quote I have ever read:

‘Throw us in jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead and we shall still love you. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and your conscience that we shall also win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.’ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Without love we have nothing. Love has other names and perhaps compassion and kindness are better words, for in its true essence love can become conflated with romantic love, which limits our love to only one person.

Every religion is true one way or another. It is true when understood metaphorically. But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors, interpreting them as fact, then you are in trouble. God is a metaphor for that which transcends all levels of intellectual thought. It’s as simple as that.

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the world; to match your nature with Nature. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again.

GRATITUDE AND JOY : Gratitude is an appreciation of all that sustains us; an acknowledgement of blessings great and small. It is confidence in life itself and confidence in ourselves and our ability to manage our own lives. The same force that causes all things to grow on this planet are within us. We exist because every single one of our ancestors from the beginning of the first man was a survivor and cared and nurtured their young and passed down to us valuable knowledge that would sustain us in life.

‘Gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within us and without us.’ David Whyte

Gratitude doesn’t envy others or compare. It is saying that we have enough. It receives in wonder the myriad blessings of rain and sunlight, the care that supports every life.

Be content with what you have. Rejoice in the way things are. When you realize nothing is lacking, the whole world belongs to you. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them- that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.’ Lao Tzu

JOY: As gratitude grows, it gives rise to joy. We experience the courage to rejoice in our own good fortune and in the good fortune of others. In joy, we are not afraid of pleasure. We do not mistakenly believe that it is disloyal to the suffering of the world to honor the blessings we’ve been given. Joy gladdens the heart. We can be joyful for people we love, for moments of goodness, for sunlight and trees, and for the very breath in our lungs. When we allow ourselves to be present and grateful, we realize that life is a miracle.

Find a place inside where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy. It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life.

‘Know that joy is rarer, more difficult and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation.’ Philosopher Andre Gide

‘If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give into it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and often not very kind and much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibilities left. Perhaps this is the way of fighting back; that sometimes, something happens that is better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very often you notice it in the instant when love begins. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.’ Mary Oliver

I live under a craggy peak, living peacefully in a grass hut, listening to birds for music,

Clouds are my best neighbors.

Below a pure spring where I refresh body and mind:

Above, towering pines

And oaks that provide shade and brushwood.

Free, so free, day after day-

I never want to leave. Ryokan

For all that read this, my prayer for you is that you could live peacefully in a grass hit, listening to birds for music, with clouds as your best neighbors with towering pines above you and that you will live free, so free, day after day, so that when it comes time to leave you shall have no regrets and smile at a life well-lived.

Yesterday is but a dream

And tomorrow only a vision

But today well-lived

In the present moment

Makes all of our yesterdays

Full of beautiful memories

And all of our tomorrows

Visions of hope. Colin

When it’s over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was a bridegroom, taking the world in my arms. When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder If I have made of my life something particular and real. I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don’t want to end up simply having visited the world. Mary Oliver

To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal- To hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and when it’s time to let it go, let it go.

As I have come to accept the state of my own mortality, I only find joy and solace in the great outdoors. Somehow, the peace, beauty, and stillness of nature obliterates all traces of my bewildered self and my soul, and alive in the mystery, is at peace.’ R.W. Emerson

FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO TRY MEDITATION: ALSO CALLED MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

THE BUDDHA’S TEACHING We usually think of ‘mind’ and ‘world’ existing independently of each other. If someone asks where our mind is, most of us would point to either the head or the heart, but not to a tree or the sky. We perceive a clear boundary between what goes on inside our minds and what happens in the outside world. Compared to the vast world outside, the mind nestled inside the body can feel small, vulnerable, and sometimes powerless.

According to the Buddha’s teaching, however, the boundary between the mind and the world is actually thin, porous, and ultimately illusory. It is not that the world is objectively joyful or sad and produces a corresponding feeling in us. Rather, feelings originate with the mind projecting its subjective experience onto the world. The world is not inherently joyful or sad; it just is.

When we look at the outside world, we are looking at only a small part that interests us. The world we see is not the entire universe but a limited one that the mind cares about. However, to our minds, that small world is the entire universe. Our reality is not the infinitely stretching universe, but the small part we choose to focus on. Reality exists because our mind exists. Without the mind, there would be no Universe. The world comes to exist because we are aware of it. We cannot live in a reality of which we are unaware.

The world depends on our minds in order to exist, just as our minds depend on the world as the subject of our awareness. Put differently, our mind’s awareness can be said to bring the world into being.

We neither can nor want to know every single thing that happens in the world. If we did, we would go crazy from the overload of information. If we look at the world through the lens of our mind, we readily notice what we are looking for, because our mind will focus on it. Given that the world we look through is limited, if we can train our mind and choose wisely where to focus, then we will be able to experience the world corresponding to the state of our mind.

We must choose carefully what values we cherish and hold dear in our hearts. If we want to be compassionate, loving and grateful we can practice and foster these states of mind and eventually with hard work and concentration, this is who we become. We can actually practice gratitude and compassion and as we go through each day we can cultivate kind deeds and attitudes towards everyone we encounter.

Every night before I go to bed, no matter how stressed I am; how preoccupied with my fears and worries- no matter how shitty ‘I think’ the day has been, I literally count my blessings. ‘I am in a warm and comfortable bed’ and ‘I have had plenty of good food today, etc.’ I am practicing gratitude. All of these positive traits that we admire in others can be ours with practice and with careful examination of our own lives.

We know the world only through the window of our mind. When our mind is noisy, the world is as well. And when our mind is peaceful, the world is too. Knowing our minds is just as important as trying to change the world.

Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself, and can increase the size of the cerebral cortex: ‘The relationship between neuroplasticity and mindfulness creates a transformative pathway towards healing. Our brains hold an extraordinary capacity to change. Neuroplasticity , the brain’s ability to reorganize itself, offers hope, reminding us that we are not confined by the synaptic imprints of our past.’ (National Library Of Medicine: National Center for Biotechnology Information.

‘Emotions and ritualized behavior are built deeply into us. They are part of our humanity. But they are not characteristically human. Many other animals have feelings. What distinguishes our species is thought. The cerebral cortex is a liberation. We need no longer be trapped in the genetically inherited behavior patterns of lizards and baboons. We are, each of us, largely responsible for what gets put into our brains, for what, as adults, we wind up caring for and knowing about. No longer at the mercy of the reptile brain, we can change ourselves.’ Carl Sagan

Mindfulness practice increases the size of the cerebral cortex, and reduces activity in the default mode network which is responsible for lack of concentration (mind wandering) and reliving the past and planning the future. That’s why Sagan says ‘The cerebral cortex is our liberation. We can change ourselves.’

DEFAULT MODE NETWORK OF THE BRAIN For those that have never tried meditation, here are some instructions. Many of us who meditate are really just thinking. Think-ing is ‘thing-ing’. It is not ‘being’. The brain’s default network is a set of regions of the brain that contributes to internal modes of cognition used when remembering the past, thinking about the future, and mind wandering. So do not get frustrated if you find it difficult to follow your breathing. You will become distracted over and over. Just observe it, go back to your breath.

Don’t struggle. Just look at it as a time out to focus on your breath. Even if it is ten minute days when you sit, relax and only focus on the breath, then soon you will view mindfulness practice as a time out from our hectic and busy lives!