LOVE: SELF-CARE

PRACTICING SELF- CARE PROLOGUE

Perhaps, never before has it been more urgent to practice self-care. It appears as if humankind is hurtling out of control like a runaway train. I worry about my American friends, and to be perfectly frank the rest of the world is afraid as well. The inmates have taken over the asylum and crackpots and fools are in charge of not only America, but essentially the rest of the world. Personally, I have had to stop watching the news. I simply cannot take it anymore.

However, life has to go on somehow. The world has been through this many times before, as any historian worth his weight in salt will tell you. First and foremost I would like to share a note which I posted this morning on my Daily Newsletter From Colin’s Soul Food Kitchen!

‘Don’t take yourself too seriously. The world would go on without you. Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders, Those who insist that they have their shit together, are usually standing in it at a time.’ Stephen Levine

LIFE: LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS

LIFE: CULTIVATING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

‘Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well-ordered mind than a man’s ability to stop where he is and pass some time in his own company.’ Seneca

Religion presses the issue of a person striving for a better ‘relationship with God,’ but in my view people suffer from an unhealthy relationship with themselves. The problem is not a deficient relationship with a deity in the sky, but a dysfunctional relationship with the person in the mirror.

‘Every religion is true one way or another. It is true when understood metaphorically. But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors, interpreting them as fact, then you are in trouble. God is a metaphor for that which transcends all levels of intellectual thought. It’s as simple as that. Joseph Campbell

ONE:BECOMING MORE AWARE OF YOUR SELF-TALK OR MENTAL COMMENTARY ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE.

In life we judge every single experience that we have. There’s an inner dialogue judging everything as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘for’ or ‘against’. Life is meant to be experienced, not judged. It comes from a deeper place inside that has not been taught the skills of living in the present moment. You can’t truly experience, experience, just as you can’t find meaning by looking for meaning.

‘You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? You cannot create experience. You must undergo it. Nobody realizes that some people expend enormous amounts of energy merely to be normal.’ Albert Camus

Most people don’t realize that the mind constantly chatters. And yet, that chatter winds up being the force that drives us much of the day, in terms of what we do, what we react to, and how we feel. Mindfulness is about love and loving life. When you cultivate this love, it gives you clarity and compassion for life, and your actions happen in accordance with that.

TWO: QUESTIONING THE IDEAS, BELIEFS, MINDSETS, NARRATIVES, STORIES AND IDEOLOGIES THAT INFLUENCE YOU

The energy required to set aside our own views and our own ‘certainty’ and the focusing of total attention is so great that it can be accomplished only by love, by the will to extend oneself for mutual growth. When another person sees you and considers you as worthy of attention, we begin to appreciate each other more and more.

By looking deeply we see the interdependence and impermanence of all phenomena and all beings! However, when we live in a world where illusion and delusion are part of the human condition: In a world that is increasingly filled with deceit, manipulation, and exploitation, it is easy to become cynical about truth.

We fail to acknowledge the truth of what’s happening in our own lives as it’s taking place. Often, we see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear and ignore the messages we find distasteful.

THREE: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY TO ADDRESS THE ROOT CAUSES OF YOUR INNER SUFFERING, UNHAPPINESS AND DISHARMONY.

In the final analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his life and ‘finding himself.’ If he persists in shifting responsibility to someone else, he fails to find the meaning of his own existence. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others.

Whenever we seek to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual, organization, or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity. It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure.

Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; in fact, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.

Your success and happiness lies in you. What I am looking for is not out there; it is in me. Resolve to be happy and your joy shall form an invincible host against difficulties. Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. We could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world.

FOUR: OUTGROWING YOURSELF AND THE DEFINITIONS THAT HAVE DEFINED YOU

The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We are in charge of our own destiny and we have to be responsible for our own words, actions, and thoughts.

We need to examine our own lives and decide what it is that we wish to do with the time left remaining to us. However, even if we are not certain what the proper course of action is, there are times when we must simply take a leap of faith. We must act.

Some of us continue to search for a deeper truth. The path to ultimate reality takes hard work and practice. If we value truth and reality, we chip away at falsehoods, both large and subtle in our lives. This also applies to living a virtuous life; do not distinguish between small and large. We all know, in our hearts, what is right and what is wrong.

Being held in Mother Earth’s tender embrace helps us to slow down long enough to look at our own lives, and the lives of others. And what you end up with is unconditional love for all beings. I think the reason this is so is because beauty makes you ache to be worthy of it.

‘What we do today determines what our tomorrow will be like.’ The Buddha

FIVE: DISCARDING THE MASK AND BEING A MORE REAL, AUTHENTIC AND HUMAN PERSON

Being seen is the same as someone who listens to you deeply. People never forget, as long as they live, even childhood memories of feeling completely seen and accepted. Nothing puts you more at peace; nothing in the world feels better. Even if there is only one such memory, we carry it in our hearts forever. We never forget it, it meant so much, honored so much.

It was more of a gift than we could consciously know. But intuitively we knew. The soul knew. Seeing and being seen completes a mysterious circuit of reciprocity of presence that Thich Nhat Hanh calls ‘interbeing’ or interconnectedness. That presence reassures us that we can be who we actually are and we can remove the mask.

What is the force that binds the stars?

I wore this mask to hide my scars

What is the power that pulls the tide-

I never found a place to hide

What moves the earth around the sun

What could I do but run and run and run

Sadly, most of our memories are of never being seen; unaccepted, ridiculed, for being as we are. It is amazing though how few such memories exist, or never at all.

How strange that we should feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded. Community requires the ability to expose these wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be moved by the wounds of others… But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.

A human being has so many skins inside, covering the depths of the heart. We know so many things, but we don’t know ourselves. Go into your own ground and learn to know yourself there. Truly it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then the light is nearest to all of us.

Beyond your body and labels there is a river of vulnerability and tenderness. Beyond stereotypes and assumptions, there is a valley of openness and authenticity. Beyond memory and ego, there is an ocean of awareness and compassion. Love yourself despite your imperfections.

SIX : HONORING WHAT MOST MATTERS TO YOU ABOUT LIFE AND, YOUR INNER GUIDANCE, DEEP FEELINGS AND INTUITION. FOLLOWING YOUR HEART

We have what we seek; it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us. Love seeks one thing: the good of the one loved. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others.

When you have to make an important decision or embark on a new journey, always follow your heart. Even if it doesn’t work out you will learn valuable lessons. The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the heartbeat of the world; to match your nature with Nature. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again.

The world we live in is a temple, and the miraculous light of the first stars is shining through it all the time. Like an innocent child we can rejoice in life itself; in the very fact that we are alive.. In place of original sin, celebrate your original goodness; we are the beauty we have been seeking all our lives

SEVEN: OFFERING YOURSELF ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, COMPASSION AND BASIC GOODNESS

‘You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anyone deserves your love and affection.’ The Buddha

The primary aim of Buddhist practice is to help us see beneath our protective layers and bring out our inherent basic goodness and our own buddha nature, and to see the inner nobility and beauty of all human beings.

Do you not feel compassion toward yourself as you struggle through life? You are so eager to help your friends, but you treat yourself so poorly. Stroke your heart once in a while and tell yourself, ‘I love you.’

Then it was if I suddenly saw

The secret beauty of their hearts

The depths of their hearts where neither

Sin nor self knowledge can reach

The core of their reality: the people

That each one is in the eyes of the Divine.

We are the Universe looking at itself. Thomas Merton

‘O nobly born, O you of glorious origins, remember your true radiant nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home. The Tibetan Book of the Dead

Music in the soul is heard by the Universe. At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. I have just three things to teach- simplicity, patience, and compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires. He who is content is rich. Mastering yourself is true power

EIGHT: CHOOSING NOT TO REMAIN ACTIVELY CONNECTED TO TOXIC PEOPLE: THOSE WHO JUDGE, SHAME, CONTROL OR BULLY YOU.

‘The key is to keep company only with people that uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.’ Epictetus

Remove conflict and anger from your relationships. Life is too short. If something doesn’t feel right, then you need to examine why. Let go of judgements that hold you back.

‘Many people know so little about what is beyond their short range of experience. They look within themselves and find nothing. Therefore, they conclude that there is nothing outside of themselves either.’ Helen Keller

The person with a secular mentality feels themselves to be the center of the universe. Yet, they are likely to suffer from a sense of meaninglessness and insignificance because they know that they are but one human of among eight billion ‘others’-all feeling themselves to be the center of things- scratching out an existence on a medium sized planet circling a small star among countless stars in a galaxy lost among countless galaxies.

The person with a spiritual mentality, on the other hand, does not feel themselves to be the center of the universe. They consider the center to be elsewhere and ‘other’. Yet, they are unlikely to feel lost and insignificant precisely because they draw their significance and meaning from their relationships, their connection with that center of the ‘other’.

Are we the stars of our own movies, the epicenter of our own lives, the author of our own personal narratives which we have constructed, and are we obsessed by these particular narratives, this ‘secular’ perspective? And does it cause us suffering? You betcha!

NINE: PRACTICING SELF-CARE THAT PROMOTES AND REJUVENATES YOUR VITALITY, ENERGY AND WELL-BEING:!

‘Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination- calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting, over and over announcing your place in the family of things.’ Mary Oliver

‘Love is something you and I must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it, because without it we become faint and weak. Without love our self-esteem weakens. Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world. Instead we turn inwardly and begin to feed upon our own personalities and little by little we destroy ourselves.

‘You and I need the strength that comes from knowing that we are loved. With it we are creative. With it we march tirelessly. With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice ourselves for others.’ Chief Dan George Salish Nations B.C. Canada

Find a place inside where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy. It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life.

As gratitude grows, it gives rise to joy. We experience the courage to rejoice in our own good fortune and in the good fortune of others. In joy, we are not afraid of pleasure. We do not mistakenly believe that it is disloyal to the suffering of the world to honor the blessings we’ve been given. Joy gladdens the heart.

We can be joyful for people we love, for moments of goodness, for sunlight and trees, and for the very breath in our lungs. When we allow ourselves to be present and grateful, we realize that life is a miracle.

‘Know that joy is rarer, more difficult and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation.’ Philosopher Andre Gide

‘If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give into it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and often not very kind and much can never be redeemed.

Still, life has some possibilities left. Perhaps this is the way of fighting back; that sometimes, something happens that is better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very often you notice it in the instant when love begins. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.’ Mary Oliver

TEN: INHABITING YOUR UNIQUENESS AND EXPRESSING IT FREELY AND AUTHENTICALLY

Accepting ourselves as we are, allows us to be open to other people. We no longer have to pretend that we are someone else. We are good enough. You are good enough. Self-love is necessary to live a full and heart-felt life. You are just beginning. Begin today and be ready for a daring life of adventure!

Why do you stay in prison

When the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking-

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

Widening rings of being. Rumi

We can’t selectively numb emotions. In avoiding painful emotions like fear and shame, we also numb empathy, courage, joy, authenticity, love, and belonging. We need to stop and be grateful for what we have.

I have come to learn that this is what mindfulness is all about. With mindfulness comes gratitude. With gratitude comes joy. We want a guarantee that we will not experience pain and loss. There is no such guarantee. But there is one guarantee: If we don’t allow ourselves to experience joy and love, we will not have what it takes when the excrement does hit the proverbial fan. And it will!

RADICAL LOVE AND COMPASSION IS THE ONLY WAY FORWARD

We have what we seek; it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us. Love seeks one thing: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward. We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that only through an inner spiritual transformation do we gain the strength to confront the evils of the world in a humble and loving spirit. Loving your enemies: Dr. King talked about his movement’s commitment to non-violence as both a spiritual and political strategy. The following quote is the most beautiful quote I have ever read:

‘Throw us in jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead and we shall still love you. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and your conscience that we shall also win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.’ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Without love we have nothing. Love has other names and perhaps compassion and kindness are better words, for in its true essence love can become conflated with romantic love, which limits our love to only one person.

LOVE: As an ability, love is always there ready to flourish. It can be cultivated- we practice it- it becomes who we are. With life’s ups and downs, the ability to love will always be within us. This is the kind of wisdom born of going through life paying attention, rather than being half-asleep.

This kind of wisdom allows life to teach us and move us and open us to truths about the importance of love. Scientists say love is merely an instinct that evolution has given us for survival; for caring for our young, for working together in groups as successful hunters and gatherers. But we love people, long after they have died. Where is the utility in that?

Love Life, and your Life will know of no corruption.

Love Life, and your judgement will uphold you.

Love Life and you will not wander away

From the path of understanding

To love is to discover and complete one’s self, an act impossible of general realization on Earth so long as each can see in the neighbor no more than a closed fragment following its own course through the world. It is precisely this state of isolation that will end if we begin to discover each other not merely the elements of one and the same thing, but of a single Spirit in search of itself. The existence of such a power becomes possible in the curvature of a world which is capable of creating something new. Teilhard De Chardin

Love alone can unite human beings so as to complete them and fulfill them; for it alone joins them by what is deepest In themselves. All we need is to imagine our ability to love, developing it until it embraces the totality of the people of the earth,

Theoretically, this transformation of love is quite possible. What paralyses life is a failure to believe and a failure to dare. The day will come, when after harnessing space, the winds, the tides, and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of Love. And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world we shall have discovered fire!

Being held in Mother Earth’s tender embrace helps us to slow down long enough to look at our own lives, and the lives of others. And what you end up with is unconditional love for all beings. I think the reason this is so is because beauty makes you ache to be worthy of it.

BOTH SIDES NOW

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way that you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

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But now it's just another show

And you leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's love's illusions that I recall

I really don't know love

I really don't know love at all

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Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say, "I love you, " right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

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Oh, but now old friends, they're acting strange

And they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed

Well, something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

It's life's illusions that I recall

I really don't know life

I really don't know life at all Joni Mitchell

And trust me when I say, “I really, really don’t know life at all!’ Does anyone else feel this as well?